You Can Do Better: 2014 Rapper Resolutions

Words by Alysa Lechner

2013 was an incredible year for hip-hop. We were blessed with stunning albums, unforgettable verses, and a fish barrel of hilarious lyrics to re-appropriate into Twitter jokes. It was the best of times, it was the WORST. of times (see what I did there?).

But even outside of the actual music, hip hop as a culture and movement had such an astonishing effect on the general public. Rappers are truly the modern rockstars. Whether it was an alleged fake death, a public faux pas, releasing an album via Android, or just not really bothering to think before recording that line about date rape, hip hop dominated headlines in 2013 for some of the right and wrong reasons.

January is a time of introspection and resolution. We reflect on the previous year, and consider how to improve in the one ahead. And when it comes to hip hop, while 2013 was sterling, there is so much to improve upon. So let’s think back and think ahead and assist some of our favorite rappers with their 2014 resolutions.*

A$AP Rocky: Apart from the obvious resolution in which he dumps Chanel Iman to date me, I guess I would advise him to… not point out an intrinsic quality of a person while actually pointing at them. Better yet, just go by A$$HAT Rocky from now on.

Chief Keef: What Chief Keef does with emojis is like Picasso with paint, or Craig Sager with suits. In 2014, instead of doing literally any of the things he’s been doing over the past year, Chief Keef should write the Rosetta Stone for emojis.

Rick Ross: IOENO where to begin with this guy. Tbh, the ‘Just landed in the beautiful country of Africa’ tweet was just so so so so funny and just so Miss Teen USA 2007 South Carolina that I don’t even want Ross to resolve to study atlases, globes, maps in general, and everything like such as. But the rapping about date rape, that can stop.

Drake: In 2013 I went from hating Drake, to loving Drake, to feeling kind of so-so about him. He’s like the dude you know is so wrong for you and all your friends side-eye each other when you bring him up, but fuck it because he’s got you gawn in the brayn. For 2014, I just hope Drake doesn’t drop the ball on what he’s got going on with Zoe Kravitz because can you imagine the type of album Drake would make when he’s in a secure, loving, and supportive relationship? Actually, scratch that, a little bit of me hopes that album would suck and he goes back to being an emotionally stunted man-child and is doomed to a life of non-commitment. That seems to be working for him.

Kanye West: Smile at a stranger every day.

Jay Z: Lately Jay Z’s efforts at trying to stay relevant feel less like music media revolutions and more like my dad enunciating the word “twerk.” Sigh. Let 2014 be the year Hov sits back and just lets the Mrs. do the talking.

Azealia Banks: Azealia gets the same New Year’s resolution that I’m giving myself: Refrain from a drinking an entire bottle of white wine and going on Twitter.

Fat Joe: I guess I can’t fault Fat Joe for forgetting to do his taxes because, until researching for this piece, I forgot that Fat Joe forgot to do his taxes. But, can Fat Joe not just hire an assistant to remind him to do these kinds of administrative tasks? I make such little money I can hardly remember what it looks like, and my parents are still hounding my ass every year to get my taxes done.

Tim Dog: Part of me wants to tell Tim Dog to stop reading so many Andy Kaufman biographies, but another part of me — when it comes to Tim Dog’s “life” (or “death”?) — is just like, what even? In the words of Beyoncé, “How the hell did this shit happen?” If Mr. Dog is indeed alive, I am just so curious about how this whole fiasco got green lit. Fuck Tim Dog finding inspiration from Kaufman bios, this man needs to write his own autobiography for me to read (but release it in e-book form because lol if you think I can finish a “book” in 2014).

J. Cole: J. Cole is the physical version of a sad trombone noise. Womp womp womp. Full disclosure though, I didn’t listen to his album so I can’t say if it was actually any good, but apparently the listening party was a total bust and that’s all that really matters, right? I just get a vibe of total desperation from this guy and it’s so repulsive. If there’s one person who can benefit from a close reading of “The 48 Laws of Power,” it’s J. Cole. In 2014, I hope J Cole gets mean.

Lil Wayne: Don’t die. Don’t even fake die. Also maybe learn to ollie. And make sure Paris Hilton has the hottest album of the year.

Gucci Mane: I’m not going to make a joke about Guwop because I think what happened to him with regards to his addiction to lean is incredibly sad and tragic. I hope he finds the help he needs. Gucci Mane’s resolution could be to actually go to Career Day unironically. Remember how he did that last year? Except in 2014 he’d (hopefully) have some sound advice for the yung rapscallions of the future.

Scott Disick: Lord Disick needs to start rapping in 2014 so I have a legitimate reason to put him on this list.

Andre 3000 and Big Boi: Do I even need to say it?

Kendrick Lamar: Uhhh basically everything Kendrick did in 2013 slayed. How does one improve on an entirely unblemished year? I really just hope his second album doesn’t fall into the category of “artist whose subsequent albums will never be as good as their first,” like Arcade Fire, or Interpol (how could they have possibly even considered writing anything better than Turn On The Bright Lights!?!?). So yeah, Kendrick’s 2014 resolution is to not be compared to Interpol or Arcade Fire, because that’s weird and I can’t believe I did it just now.

Future: I’ve never cared much for Future and that’s something I don’t bring up too often because a lot of people really like Future and I want those people to also really like me. But I will say that “Sh!t,” despite its having the same spelling as P!nk’s name and essentially calling me a loser for never having killed someone, is one of my favorite songs of 2013, and Future needs to release that song in 20 different ways all throughout 2014.

Nicki Minaj: Seek. And. Destroy.

*Alysa views do not reflect those of the Mass Appeal staff but we do find them hilarious. Follow her on Twitter to get more (unsanctioned) maple leaf musings.

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