New Years Eve

Places to Avoid on New Year’s Eve

In many countries, New Year’s Eve is known as a time of social gathering and celebration. In other words, a time when every single human being decides to leave their house with hopes to not end up alone. As a result, these people go to one of the following places en masse. Avoid them with great care and you’ll be ringing in the New Year headache free.

Club Girl

Murray Hill

Only if you want to hear a bunch of Long Island and New Jersey accents do you want to be anywhere near Murray Hill on New Year’s Eve. In fact, if someone asks you to go anywhere near there, just run away.

The ER

You’re probably thinking, “Why would I go to the emergency room on New Year’s Eve?” Well my dear reader, why do we do a lot of the things we do after 11 p.m. on a weekend? Right. That’s what I thought.

Your Local Bar

You know your favorite chill spot that you go to every Thursday? Nope. You might as well have forgotten the name and location because it no longer exists. That old “chill” is now charging a $40 minimum cover and only serving champagne. Oh and whoops, a drunk college girl just spilled cranberry vodka all over you the second you walked in.

Clubs

This one is pretty much a given. On a normal night, clubs overcharge $300 for a $50, sometimes even $35 bottle of vodka. So why, may I ask, would you ever think New Year’s Eve would be different/better? Walking into a club on New Years Eve = going straight to a thief and asking to be robbed. Don’t say I didn’t warn.

Your Phone

This one may surprise you. Why can’t I be on my phone on New Year’s Eve? How am I supposed to “avoid” my own phone? How will I find my friends? Who will I text “Happy New Year” to? The answer? No one. Leave your phone in your pocket. Emergencies only. The only situation where you would need your phone is if you are at any of the places that I listed above or below, which I have already made clear you need to avoid. Who is going to be trying to plant a New Year’s Eve kiss on the girl/guy who is texting? NO ONE. Besides, what’s better than checking your phone after not looking all night and seeing a bunch of messages? We call that #popularity.

New Years Eve

Times Square

Self-explanatory. I’m also pretty sure Miley Cyrus is planning on turning the New Year’s Eve ball into her very own wrecking ball and dancing naked across all of Times Square. Unless you want to be party of Miley’s fandom, STAY AWAY from Times Square.

Rave

Personally, I wouldn’t go to one even if it were a regular night. However, if you must satisfy your house music needs, that is where you can go. New Year’s Eve at a rave will consist of people rolling face all over you, a couple people dying/dead/passed out near by, and a very overheated and crowded vibe. If this is your steez, then by all means, a rave is the place for you.

A boat/yacht

A boat/yacht seems sick. It seems fucking dope. So ideal! Right? Wrong. Not only are you on a boat in the middle of nowhere, you are stuck with everyone else who is also on that boat. God forbid you get in a fight with the people you came with, then your options are to go overboard or to get blackout drunk, which also may result in going overboard. And that’ll lead you to, yep, the ER.

That big concert

Thinking about going to the big New Year’s Eve concert? Everyone has been talking about it. So many people are going to be there. There will be A LOT of surprises. Yeah, that’s about it. Good luck getting a drink that isn’t your own sweat, buddy.

The New Hot Spot

OMG! I can’t believe ____ is open just in time for New Year’s Eve! If you want to ever salvage the possibility of you returning to that new hot spot, avoid it on that night at all costs. New Years Eve at the new hot spot consists of MASSIVE SURGE PRICING and total douchebags. Do you really want that to taint your perspective of a potentially frequent locale?

Any Pre-fix Meal

It’s New Year’s Eve! Let’s charge these fools $100 for a bunch of food that they can normally get for less! Don’t fall for this. Don’t be a fool. Eat beforehand. Why are you at a sit-down meal on New Year’s anyway? Get up, and go home. Make some noodles. Just simmer the fuck down, okay?

Best Option: Entertain at your home. Not only can you have all the alcohol you want for NORMAL prices, but you can also do ANYTHING you want. You can invite ANYONE you want. They WON’T have to pay. You can watch the ball drop on TV or your computer. You can smoke weed, crack, whatever you are in to. And last but not least, YOU WON’T FREEZE TO DEATH.

Lindsey will be on an island the middle of nowhere for New Year’s Eve. However, she will find a way to use her Twitter and Instagram. Make sure you keep up so you can tell her about all the fun NYE stuff she missed.

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