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What The Hell Happened In This Maino Video?

New York hip hop is in a turbulent state. Kendrick Lamar’s “Control” verse was a direct shot at the city, and of course we can’t forget about Trinidad James’ rant at Converse. One reason for this instability is that there’s no real “King of New York.” Jay Z may be considered the King but that’s a facade. Magna Carta Holy Grail was largely a fail (is anyone listening anymore? don’t be fooled by record sales) and he’s not putting on for the city, he’s putting on for Barclays and his #brand. The newer acts – A$AP Rocky, Action Bronson, Joey Bada$$ – are too new to be crowned the “King” of anything. Maybe in time we will bow down to Bam Bam, but for now he’s an excellent emcee on the upswing – nothing more, nothing less.

We need someone to come take this city back. An authentic New York emcee – someone who ‘keeps it real,’ as they say. Thankfully, we have found that in Maino. His new song “What Happened,” featuring Jadakiss, now has a video (more like Scorsese’s newest motion picture than just your average music video) painting a realistic picture of the Big Apple. Wack hip hop has turned New Yorkers into zombies, Maino and Jada are here to restore order. Lets go through this masterpiece scene by scene.

0:09 The city is under siege! The city is under siege! Everyone is spitting weak bars.

0:18 Maybe the Cavoda liquor is the cause of the zombies. Who knows, possibly a mixture of the two – Cavoda and wack music – creates zombies. Our top scientists are currently trying to figure this out.

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0:34 Maino’s crown looks kind of shoddy. This clearly represents the uncertainty surrounding the title “King of New York.” Only Maino can come with these types of metaphors.

1:11 Blood splatter is a perfect way to remind people of that real New York shit.

1:30 Coke residue on the speaker is an even better way to remind people of that real New York shit! Blood and coke is a recipe for success. That’s basic block boy runner rules.

2:02 This gives us one of the more powerful moments in the video. Maino looks over his city with brooding eyes. He knows he’s the only emcee who can bring the city redemption. He is the one. The weight of this task is his own to carry.

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2:28 You see how the Cavoda is glowing? There are definitely some chemicals in that shit that lead to a zombie apocalypse. The message here is DO NOT DRINK CAVODA. Oh wait that’s just Cavoda’s battery powered LED lights that come in every bottle. Totally normal. Merry Christmas, from Cavoda.

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2:49 Wait so zombies wear weaves? I’ve learned so much from this video it’s absurd. But questions remain. Are they zombie-specific weaves or was the weave in before? Who’s got the answers?

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3:37 Jada! Watch out, there’s a ZOMB… Oh wait it’s a zombie stripper, keep chilling Jada, keep chilling. She works for tips.

4:02 I love Jada so much. He just dissed everyone for having Mike Will beats and Drake hooks and then said his album is going to have Mike Will beats and Drake hooks. Contradiction, very New York.

4:23 Zombie 2 Chainz is much scarier than regular 2 Chainz. He’ll turn your brain into a casserole!

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5:08 A bow and arrow is by far the best zombie apocalypse weapon. No sound, indispensable ammo, completely badass. If the shit ever goes down I’m going to be like Katniss Everdeen up in Bedstuy. Steady… Aim… Hold up, is that zombie Papoose? Nah, just regular Pap.

5:19 Wait, so the zombies win? There’s gotta be a sequel right?

“What Happened” is the first question that coms to mind when studying this video. What happened to originality? The zombie shtick peaked about 3 years ago. What happened to 5D cameras? Was this shot on an iPhone 3s bruh? But the most important question of all, what happened to the last 6 minutes of my life.

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