longboards

Duck Hunt: Wrong Boards

Words Matt Lubansky Illustration Hectah

Dear Longboarders,

Please stop. You’re really just embarrassing yourselves. What started out as legends bombing hills and shredding bowls on cruiser boards has now become a craze similar to that of the millennium scooter phenomenon. Really though, do you remember that? Thousands of white-collar grown folk riding over-priced toys that they bought from Walmart to their nine-to-five cubical jobs? That was wack —  like, I mean psycho-crazy wack, and longboarders, you don’t fall too short of that.

We see you sloppily pushing mongo down avenues at rush hour, laced with your tightly strapped bicycle helmets, your five-finger webbed shoes, elbow pads and tote bags; defying death as every car passes — not because skating is dangerous or because you’re some type of Evil Knievel — but because you simply don’t know what the fuck
you’re doing.

A few months ago in New York City, rumor had it that a proposal was in place up at City Hall to ban skating on the streets due to the rising number of accidents happening to longboarders. A rumor is a rumor, but see, this is the exact reason why skaters despise you. Riding the wrong way in the bike lane. Not being able to stop on your puzzle piece-shaped board — with no nose or tail. Franticly jumping from it and letting it ride into traffic to save your own ass from a near-death experience.

See, skaters abuse the streets, but they also have respect for them. They do their best to keep it off the grid to avoid the possibility of skating in the streets one day being banned or illegalized. Longboarders … you’re blowing up our fucking spot.

So do us a favor. Go put a hundred-dollar deposit on a Citi Bike and have a blast docking it every 45 minutes — because skating isn’t just like riding a bike. It’s not for everyone, you know?

That may be where a lot of the hate comes from … dedication. There’s kids out here who have been bleeding and breaking bones for the love of skating for more than half of their lives. So when you, a grown man, jump on a board for the first time, claiming that you “skate” and riding it around town endangering yourself and the people around you, it’s really hard not to hate you.

Pick up a real board or push mongo off a cliff.

– Mass Appeal

This story appears in Mass Appeal Issue 53. Read more stories from the issue here.

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