Shout out to Georg Emanuel Opiz Der Völler, circa 1804

It’s The Most Gluttonous Time Of The Year!

Happy Thanksgiving—a time where friends, family, loved ones and other assorted distant relatives—that you have no interest in being around—congregate to partake in slow-roasted colonialist turkey drizzled in genocide-flavored gravy. There is much to be thankful for always, but the genesis of modern imperialism/mass slaughter/attempted erasure of an entire group of people from the continent isn’t something to enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie over. Come to think of it, is there anything to be thankful for in 2017? Our president is an incompetent slowly decomposing plate of flan who spends his time endorsing known pedophile and sexual predator Roy Moore for the Senate. Seemingly every man that works in entertainment is a sleaze who can’t seem to stop raping, and probably most tragic of it all Meek Milly from Philly is sitting behind bars on a bogus parole violation. (Free the boy!) Yeah, this year has truly sucked.

I’ve never been too hype on gathering around the dinner table and rambling off idle chit chat and empty small talk to my cousin’s lame significant other, or hearing from my Tia Maggie why I should pull up my pants, stop making music, and just accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Nope, I’m not really into it—although I’ve always gotten a kick out of watching one of my vato cousins fall of the wagon and drunkenly insult every member of the family and ruin this false holiday for everyone.

As you get older you eventually watch your woke friends who adamantly disavow this savage holiday replace it with something equally as nauseating—like “Friendsgiving.” Sure, no problem, let’s stand in support of Standing Rock and the water protectors and bitch about the historically unfair treatment of our native brothers and sisters on Facebook to stir up the pot for magical Cyber Golden Woke Tokens. I hear that this new form of social cryptocurrency is only redeemable at your local Whole Foods—and on Twitter. What sense does it make to fake shit all over the history of colonization and what Thanksgiving represents when you are still gathering with all your friends on/near/around the Thanksgiving date to eat dry-ass turkey and play drunken board games? You’re still technically celebrating the oppressors’ holiday. You just gave it a hipster-ass re-branding and decided that it’s not the same because you invite and hang out with other couples you pretend to like.

Isn’t it cute! Let’s all get white-girl wasted and play Cards against of Humanity. What the hell kind of fake Holiday episode of FRIENDS are we living in? I don’t care how much money I pocket, I would never stoop to that level of suburban late-20-something mediocrity. Keep your shitty re-boot and invitations the fuck out my mail box.

The omnipresent volatile nature of these social gatherings lingers thicker than grandma’s cranberry sauce or Nicki Minaj on the cover of the new PAPER Magazine. Totally off topic, Nicki is still one of the best rappers walking God’s green earth and her 21 Savage remix of Bad Bunny’s “Krippy Kush” is further proof. All due respect to Queen Cardi B.


Now is a friendly reminder that those family moments of awkward silence when your not-so-secretly racist Uncle Billy blurts out that “Those black kids wouldn’t have been killed if they would have just listened to the cops” are the perfect opportunities to let him know his views suck and he isn’t shit. Fuck keeping the peace for posterity. Racism and intolerance don’t take the day off on Thanksgiving. The whole holiday was practically predicated on it. Tell him he’s a Nazi bum to his face and let your cracker-ass Aunt Carol know her mashed potatoes are trash.

Same can be applied to any Latinx families out there carving up the bird on this fateful Thursday. We not exempt from our prejudices and the anti-blackness that lingers within our OWN community. As a conquered and enslaved people, we should be empathetic to what’s happening in the States and all over the world. Latinos love to play the “Estamos Juntos” (we’re all together) card until we have to face our own discrimination in the mirror. Imagine, a family of immigrants and their first-generation children sitting around a dining room table having a meal that commemorates the conquering of the indigenous people of the Americas—and all the while having a furious exchange of words with your light-skin Tia about why you should only date Mexican girls… but not morenas. I think the fuck not. I will storm the gates of my own ignorant families’ temple and flip the table over like Jesus when he found out they were shooting dice and selling bootleg T-shirts outside the synagog. Shame on you.

The only saving grace of this holiday season is the deals. The American capitalist that swims freely through the streams of my otherwise Mexican blood says “Cash out… but only on yourself.” Mexico City streetwear designer Tony Del Fino has some of the coolest shit out right now. And he’s flying completely under the radar. We know you had your heart set of those Off-White shame shoes that Virgil is trying to pass off as progressive design. Meh—I’ll pass.  Go spend some pesos over with Tony. Or Show some love to the crew from Pleasures. They got 50% going off. Wow.

Stay safe out there on this most evil of holidays. Tell your mom and dad you love them (even if you hate them) and enjoy the NFL. I don’t watch that shit, but y’all can go ahead and have that.

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