A Guide to Surviving Christmas Week

Going home for Christmas is fucking overwhelming. Buying presents for X, Y, and, Z is impossible on a writer’s salary. You don’t want to be an asshole and not buy gifts for the people who put you through college. It can be tough, traveling hundreds, sometimes even thousands, of miles to see your family – who you moved away from just to avoid. Then, once you’re home you have to abstain from getting high for a full week! As a kid Christmas was all toys and Jordan’s, now that you’re a broke-ass adult it’s one of the worst holidays of the year.

There are a couple ways to make the next week a little bit better though. First off, cop a vaporizer immediately. It’s healthier, and you can get a portable one if you need to be inconspicuous. Parents won’t be able to detect the smell as easily either. You can grab one for just $40 so you still have money for presents. Being a proud vape owner for several years it’s really the only way to get lifted. It’s almost 2014 – step up your game y’all.

Also, if you’re taking the bus leave no later than Monday afternoon. This seems obvious enough, but every year I find myself jumping on the bus Christmas Eve – es no bueno. The traffic is worse than Thanksgiving Eve and the bus is always packed. Somehow you find yourself on an uncomfortable eight-hour ride, with three screaming children, and that dude who keeps asking you to turn down your music. Um, you can only listen to Chief Keef at one level, bro – that’s 11.

Even if you have access to a car the trip doesn’t get much better. You’re either driving by yourself for ten hours, which will cause any sane human to contemplate murder, or driving with someone who you don’t really like, you both just live in the same town. There’s really no winning when it comes to holiday traveling. However, leaving no later than Monday definitely helps to reduce the stress.

When it comes to presents if you don’t have them at this point you’re already fucked. I remember on Black Friday saying, “All these people are suckers. There’s still like 6 more weeks until Christmas. No reason to trample over each other for presents now. I’ll just wait until early December.” Early December came and went and I have zero presents for my family. But there’s still some options. Books are always a dope gift for mom and pops. If you’re in New York, go to the Strand or any second hand book shop and buy the top sellers. You’re parents will dig them and more importantly books are like $20 a pop. That’s definitely within range, even for a broke dude like me.

Make life a little easier for yourselves next week. No need to stay at your apartment for the holidays just to steer clear of the fam. Leave early, get high, and purchase some dope books. You’ll be back at the crib soon enough.

Happy Holidays!


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