The cops at Govs Ball 2014

Governors Ball: You’re Doing It Wrong NYC

Governors Ball this past weekend was great. Really great. Check out our photo recap! Although a picture can speak a thousand words, we have a few words for the photos we weren’t able to capture.

Face it. NYC doesn’t know how to do concerts, and we wanna help you out. Now that the smoke has cleared and the recaps have been plastered all over the web, let’s learn from our continuous mistakes. Here’s a list of things we wanna school you on for next time.

Smuggling in goods.

Ladies. We had the pleasure of learning a few tricks (that hopefully everyone knows by now) about boobs. The gods didn’t just create these mounds of flesh to please men and feed babies, they also double as liquor/weed pouches. When it comes to security no one is gonna feel them up enough to detect your mini bottle of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey. (This does not work for the B cup and lower team. Sorry girls. Step up your boob game.) The security at the fest was pretty lenient juxtaposed with the volume of obviously intoxicated participants. Rules for smuggling in goods? Out of sight, out of mind. Out of handcuffs.

The cops at Govs Ball 2014
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Selfies: 

We’re pretty sure everyone you know saw the post you put up when you bought your ticket, when you first walked into the grounds, and every single post that followed after. The last thing anyone wants to see is someone’s cracked iPhone 4 screen blocking their only clear vision of James Blake. Keep the concert photos to a minimum. Enjoy the music, before you lose your phone in a mosh pit.

Cell phone at Govs Ball
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Beware of weirdos

Like all concerts, you can expect to have a couple dickfaces roaming around, with their toxic tentacles wrapped around a $13 can of beer (The price of beer skyrockets when you’re in the middle of no where). The sheer magnitude of Randall’s Island makes it downright impossible to find the party who you originally mobbed with, so you may find yourself surrounded by, as Troy Ave would say “weirdos.” If you’re unsure how to spot one out, look for these signs.

1)   Subject is dancing to a 101 bpm track at a 300 bpm pace.
2)   Subject looks over 25 and is wearing face paint, body paint, and/or excessive glitter.
3)   Subject gives you a creepy half-smile while babysitting a sus looking substance through a drinking helmet from 50 paces away. (Run)

Over priced beer govs ball 2014
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New kicks? Keep them at home. 

No one cares what’s on your feet. We learned that the hard way. Looking cute never pays off at a large-scale outdoor festival. Put the heels away. Save the fancy hairstyle for Webster Hall. Your hair WILL sweat out. Your shoes WILL end up crusted with spilled beer, mud, and old food. You WILL get grass stains all over your light denim jeans. Look like a bum, and have some fun. (Don’t take that too literally.)

Buy your ticket according to what you want to see. 

The line up for this year’s fest was pretty hefty and a lot of time was spent walking back and forth waiting for the next big 45 min turn up session. Time spent on long outhouse lines surrounded by the smell of putrid death. Time spent waiting uphill on a line for overpriced Chinese food. (Way, way over priced.) To be perfectly honest, most of the large majority of the Gov Ball goers tapped out after day one. No disrespect to the remaining amazing acts, but the two days following were “good” on a scale of shit to epic. Make sure for next time, no matter what concert fest you’re traveling to, buy your ticket according to your favorite artist.

Leave early.

We can’t stress this enough. It took over an hour to get off Randall’s Island after Outkast shut down the festival grounds with their magical performance. Why did it take so long? Other than the fact that New Yorkers don’t understand festival etiquette, there’s no way 30,000 people can form a uniform line to exit. If we were struck by a zombie apocalypse, no one would make it out alive. Climbing through parked garbage trucks and under parked cars wont speed up the process either, but it was worth a shot for some— until the cops showed up. Leave early.

PS: Please don’t be the guy to start a motivational chant. Yelling “Move the line!” wont make the line move any faster, but it will get you a lot of erect middle fingers.

If you missed out on the 3-day festival this past weekend don’t fret. Except for the resurrection of Jesus, via Phoenix lead singer Thomas Mars, and the revival of hip hop via Outkast you didn’t miss much. Other than those moments, a savvy viewer such as yourself would be pleased to know that the lack of your presence amongst the 30,000 Gov Ball attendees saved you about $500 and a really bad sunburn.

 

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