Tupac and Vladislav Surkov Statement

From America to Russia, With California Love

Let me start off by stating that I’m not well-versed in politics and all that. I mean, I tune in to CNN every now and then, but mainly I watch Francis Underwood’s reality TV show and wait for him to kill someone. That being said, my knowledge of foreign policy is the following: Russia Loves Tupac. And yesterday that fact was confirmed.

Vladislav Surkov and Vladmir Putin Tupac
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“Yes, you can still listen to your Tupac CDs. Now stop interrupting!” – Vladmir Putin

 

Now, I should mention that a bunch of Russia’s top government officials were recently sanctioned by the White House, aka blacklisted, aka slapped with an international ankle bracelet, for the current Crimea situation. Vladmir Putin’s top aide Vladislav Surkov responded to the sanctions by stating, “The only things that interest me in the US are Tupac Shakur, Allen Ginsberg, and Jackson Pollock. I don’t need a visa to access their work. I lose nothing.”

Now I’m assuming that Mr. Surkov’s spies have been checking Mass Appeal all day waiting for us to respond to his comments, so I will do so know.

*** *** ***

Dear Mr. Vladislav Surkov,

I don’t appreciate your lack of appreciation for the various gifts American has given you – and more importantly the world – like PBR, Taco Tuesdays and “No Diggity.” I also don’t appreciate the fact that you look like Mr. Bean. I find him very annoying.

But damnit Mr. Surkov at the end of the day you’re just a fellow Tupac fan. You go home, kiss your dear mama, say a hail mary, and think about ghetto heavens just like the rest of us. And for that, I ain’t mad at ya.

I know things may be a little tense on your side of the pond, with your boy Vladmir screaming, “I just don’t give a fuck!” and then proceeding to annex a whole country. I think Mr. Shakur would deem Vlad’s move worthy of an honorary thug life tattoo, but that’s neither here nor there. I guess what I really want to is say is: despite our differences, Mr. Surkov, life goes on, until the end of time. And in the end, only God can judge me, and you. Here’s to the changes that come in the meantime. For now, keep ya head up.

With California Love,

Devin P-B

Vladislav Surkov Open Letter
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“I wonder if Heaven’s got a ghetto?” Vladislav Surkov

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