Who Needs Cupcake Vending Machines When You Have These…
A vending machine for... everything!
Yup, you read that correctly. Vending machines carrying cupcakes are coming to New York via Sprinkles. People have been really stepping up their treats game lately. The cupcake vending machine will be open 24 hours, and the sprinkles cakes can be purchased for $4.25 each. Wait a second, people would go to a vending machine to buy a cupcake for almost five bucks? Maybe it’s a lot easier to rip people off just by putting something in an awesome machine. Besides, it works at airports, right? This got us to thinking, what other vending machines need to exist?
1. The 80’s Vending Machine
For those who want to relive some good times, the 80’s vending machine includes Reebok pumps, charm necklaces, ET on DVD, Lisa Frank notebooks, pogo sticks, and Ninja Turtles t-shirst. Prices are from the 80s! Reeboks for $100, and pogo sticks for $20. Put on some Madonna or do the “Thriller” dance, because after using this machine, you are an 80’s superstar.
2. Hangover Vending Machine
A hangover can attack at any given time. Whether it be Saturday afternoon, Sunday night (The Fear), or Wednesday morning. You don’t have to suffer anymore. The hangover vending machine includes curing essentials, in addition to necessary cover ups. You may find items such as sunglasses and Advil (last night was indeed mad real), large hats, water, Gatorade, and French Fries. Prices may vary.
3. Walk of Shame Vending Machine
It’s the morning after a great (or not so great) night. You just woke up, you’re playing it cool, while trying to remember who this person is. But unfortunately, not only are you still (kinda) wearing last night’s clothes, but your breath smells like all the vodka you consumed. In an ideal world every apartment building would have a Walk of Shame machine, so you could politely excuse yourself and go downstairs and find toothbrushes, mouthwash, a couple options for comfortable shoes, and Plan B. Then you can decide whether it’s worth going back or be on your merry way.
4. Weed Paraphernalia Vending Machine
You’re on the way to a Wiz Khalifa concert when realize you made one of the dumbest decisions of your life: you forgot to pre-roll a joint. Have no fear, stoners! Our vending machine is here for you. Stop by for some essential materials such as rolling papers, a grinder, filter tips, tobacco, and lighters. Each sold separately. You must be 18 or over to participate.
5. Flowers Vending Machine
This one’s so you don’t show up like a dick. You’re on the way to meet your girlfriend and she just got a promotion. You’re heading to visit Grandpa in the hospital. You’re breaking up with that girl. We don’t care why you’re buying flowers, because it is the thought that counts. Think about someone with the help from our machine. We have a wide selection including roses, tulips, lilies, and more. Have you ever heard a woman say she doesn’t like flowers?
6. A Skateboard Vending Machine
You know for when you need to shred. Did it randomly become a nice day and all of a sudden you have a need to rip? Get to the skateboard machine right this second, because you need a board! With a selection of top quality skateboards, you’ll feel ready to hit the streets and the parks in no time. Anti-heros for $40 people!
And some vending machines that should never be invented.
1. Tattoo Vending Machine
Are you out of your fucking mind? Then the tattoo vending machine would be a good idea for you. The tattoo vending machine will ink you with a permanent tattoo. Unfortunately, you have to choose from a selection of predetermined tats. Options include a heart with a dagger, a Latin phrase, a chinese symbol, barbed wire armband, longitude and latitude of someone’s house in Kazakhstan, and a teardrop.
2. Cronut Vending Machine
The line would always be 200 people long. When you get to the front, you can only have one cronut. There are only 30 cronuts in the machine a day, so if you aren’t sleeping next to it 24/7 you may as well go home.