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Nobody Wants to See These “White Panties”

Nobody Wants to See These “White Panties”

In a recent interview with V magazine, R&B legend R. Kelly said that he’s already working on a sequel to Black Panties, appropriately titled White Panties. When I first heard about this news I got quite excited then googled white panties only to be confronted with this image.

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Not as appealing as black panties, huh? That excitement was further curbed when I revisited Black Panties, an album that was desperately trying to be hip; an album that without a ridiculous title and ‘cool’ features wouldn’t have made any waves. An album that I never listen to anymore.

What first intrigued me about Black Panties was that R. Kelly had supposedly gone back to his earlier musical approach. The style that made TP-2.com one of the best R&B albums of the decade. The style of music that was created for making babies. This, baby making music, is what Kelly personifies most. Within the framework of baby making music, he’s been able to shift between two paradigms so effortlessly you don’t even bat an eye; a sex crazed nympho and an inspirational rhetorician, in both of these lanes he’s still making sexual music. He’ll change lives with joints like “I Believe I Can Fly” and immediately hit you with “Don’t You Say No.” At the end of the day, they’re both very much R. Kelly. Not a caricature of R. Kelly.

On Black Panties R. Kelly became that; a cartoonish, exaggerated, sexual beast. It was as if women were created solely for R. Kelly to make whoopee with. The best example of Kelly’s hyperbole comes on “Marry The Pussy” (the title is not a metaphor for anything, it’s literally about proposing to a woman’s private parts). Even while recognizing R. Kelly’s absurd character, these lyrics are unjustifiable.

Pussy my best friend, my better half. 

Been good to me, its love to me, can’t explain what it do to me

Pussy talk to me, pussy sing to me

So much joy it bring to me

When I call the pussy, it come right away

And I call the pussy like everyday

I love pussy and pussy love me

I can tell the way it strip for me

If I’m ever in the mood for two pussies

Then the pussy will bring another pussy to me

The fuck are you talking about Kells? This reads like a song written by The Lonely Island, not a R&B master R. Kelly. If I’m ever in the mood for two, I have one bring the other, what does that even mean? R. Kelly forgoes any integrity on this song, leaving listeners shocked, and slightly amused, but all of that’s fleeting. A song with this title and subject matter doesn’t stand the test of time. It’s merely a joke between friends for a few weeks. I don’t want to live in a world where R. Kelly is a joke.

This is the main reason why I have zero interest in White Panties. Instead of being the R. Kelly I have loved (musically, people) my entire life, he’s become a cartoon that’s not even funny after a month or so. I suspect we will get a Lady Gaga feature where they try to surpass each other in ridiculousness in the name of art. Whatever rapper is popping most at the time prior to the release may get a verse. Maybe he’ll propose to a different part of the female body. Whatever ends up being on White Panties, I’m not interested.