Black Santa Claus Ornament

Megyn Kelly Keeps it 3Hunna with the Children

"Megyn Kelly on Santa Claus and Other Fictional Characters," a Mass Appeal story.

Did you know Fox News, the most trusted of news stations, is also your most credible source on fictional characters and their race? Megyn Kelly, a Fox News correspondent, was savvy enough to clarify a highly debated topic that comes up every year around Christmas; Santa Claus’ whiteness.

I grew up with a black Santa on our family tree, and now I know my parents were fibbers. What else have they lied about? Is the Easter Bunny white too? And what about my two younger siblings, Miles, 6, and Nia, 10? Are they being lied to as well? Since my parents are completely untrustworthy the only person I can turn to is Ms. Kelly. She’ll keep it 3hunna with my lil’ bro and sis, I can see it now….

Megyn Kelly: Hey kids, how are you guys doing today? You must be real excited for Christmas.

Nia: Yeah! I asked Santa for Addy, the American Girl doll.

Megyn Kelly: Oh, that’s one of my favorites. Your big brother has asked me to talk to you two about something. I think your parents have misinformed you about Santa Clause.

Miles: What’s misinformed mean?

Megyn Kelly: It means your parents have been lying to you. They probably did so to make you feel more comfortable, but you’re 6 years old Miles, that’s old enough to discuss racial identity in length, don’t you think?

Miles: Sure. I love racing!

Megyn Kelly: Um, that’s not exactly what I mean. I’ve seen the Santa Clause that your family has placed on the top of the Christmas tree and that’s not really his skin color. I’m happy to tell you that Santa is in fact a white man. It may seem weird that he’s not the same skin color as your big brother, or mommy, but that’s just how it is. I think it would be good for you guys to get used to important historic figures being white. Most of them are.

Nia: Oh, like Hitler and stuff?

Megyn Kelly: No, no, more like Peter Pan or the Tooth Fairy. See, a lot of times African Americans, like your mom, feel more comfortable when they imagine these figures as colored people, but that’s just them imagining. You can’t change history just to feel comfortable. Wouldn’t it be crazy if people could just say whatever they wanted and it became true?

Miles: That would be AWESOME!

Megyn Kelly: No, not really Miles. When people try to recreate history we get little children believing in a black Santa. It also causes confusion among adults. Some adults, I bet your mom is one of them, believe that Jesus is black as well. Just like Santa, Jesus is a white guy and that’s fact. Could you imagine a black Jesus? That would make God black as well and if you go into any church he’s clearly a white man. I know this may seem confusing but I just want to give you two the truth. You deserve it.

Nia: I can’t believe mommy lied to us. Will white Santa still bring me Addy though?

Megyn Kelly: You’re more likely to get Caroline sweetie.

Nia and Miles need to get straight answers. Megyn Kelly has just flipped their world upside down – mommy has some explaining to do.

Miles: Mom why is the Santa on our tree black?

Mommy: Because our Santa Clause is black Miles.

Nia: But Megyn Kelly told us that Santa is white. We can’t have a fake Santa on our tree.

Mommy: Santa is whatever you want him to be. Black, white, Asian – it doesn’t matter. I like to have a black Santa on our tree because that’s how I imagine him. How would Megyn Kelly know his skin color anyways? Has she been to the north pole?

Nia: No, she said it was just fact.

Mommy: Well sometimes people like to make things up and say it’s fact to make themselves feel comfortable. A black Santa would probably scare Megyn, so her Santa is white. No one is right or wrong. It’s just how you choose to imagine Santa.

Nia: So you’re saying that it doesn’t matter what he looks like?

Mommy: Exactly. It’s not important at all. You guys should focus on being well behaved so black Santa brings y’all some damn presents.

Black Santa Claus Ornament

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  • Bruh, *2Pac voice* Fuck Fox News as a staff, as a crew, and as a muthafuckin record label. Megyn Kelly is a law school grad if I’m not mistaken. It amazes me how people can be so clueless. First of all, what kids are watching Fox News? second, what kids would’ve read the article they’re talking about? This is fake manufactured outrage aka Fox News 101. And it just shows their latent racism and ignorance. But w/e. Fox News will die off soon anyway.