Leah McSweeney Mass Appeal Issue 53

Bitchisms: Good D Will Imprison You

Leah McSweeney talks bitchisms and about how the right D can hinder or empower a modern lady.

Leah McSweeney Good Dick Will Imprison You

Words Leah McSweeney Photo Diana Scheunemann 

I consider myself to be sexually liberated. I speak frankly about sex. I tell someone when I want sex. I like being sexy. I get a kick out of behaving like a “man.” I know what I want. I’m my own boss. All of this translates into my personal and sex life. Sex is fun! Right? Wait. Is sex fun? Am I sexually liberated? How liberated am I really though when I find myself caught up in the throws of passion and lust?

You know those relationships we all wind up in that are purely focused on the physical? Can we even call them “relationships?” OK, for the sake of conversation, let’s do it. But these aren’t real relationships; dynamic relationships, adult relationships, quid-pro-quo relationships where you actually have something in common and you talk to each other. These are primal, lust-filled, I-need-someone-to-fuck-me-and-pull-my-hair relationships where what you crave and what you want makes you feel more like a prisoner to the penis than anything else.

You get completely distracted from your beloved career, your clique of dope bitches, your hopes, dreams and aspirations and you completely forget all about the importance of a solid eight hours of sleep. Suddenly you’re skipping your favorite yoga class because you’d rather get some Doggy Style instead of perfecting your downward-facing dog. Canceling spa day with your girls to get a facial from him instead. All you can think about is being twisted up in his skin and your satin sheets, sweating and out of breath as you get lifted into some fucking parallel universe for 30-40 minutes.

Mr. Good D can have no other good things going for him, but there is that part of us as women that can’t help but get caught up by world-class fucking. It happens to even the most sexually liberal and forward-thinking of us. The most independent of women cannot escape the imprisonment of good dick. Does the modern-day woman who calls the shots like being taken prisoner now and then? Maybe.

I’ve had a couple of Mr. Good D’s in my day. Let’s face it — we don’t come across many of them. These visceral connections can go on for years. Mr Good D number one — let’s call him “Rico.” Me and Rico had mutual friends and had been acquaintances for years. I had never paid much attention to him, but one summer evening I ran into him while he was dj-ing and the stench of his ambivalence and tan skin and white-ass teeth and fat lips were just too much for me to resist. What should have been a hot one-night stand turned into years of self-inflicted torture. Almost like an emotional form of cutting.

Rico had that swagger only guys raised in NYC have. They have this hardness you just want to crack open. He would put me into positions I didn’t even know I was capable of. When he would be inside of me, I forgot that anything or anyone else existed. All of my problems melted into the floor we were shaking underneath us. I would wake up in my bed after a night with Rico with condom wrappers all over my floor and my hair in knots. Maybe I was falling in love with him? I couldn’t tell the difference. I was a mess.

Rico was elusive. He wouldn’t reply to texts for days and, when he did, his words read like Kryptonite. He liked canceling last-minute. He was moody and deep. He would refuse me Good D if I told him in a boss bitch way that I wanted him right then and there. He did not think that was hot. He told me he didn’t want to be treated as if he were my employee. I told him he should be flattered that I’m fiending for his D! It was always a struggle for power. It was exhausting. But I was under his spell.

I went on dates with other guys. I slept with other guys. I wanted to become un-hypnotized, but nothing would work. Rico and I would try to do “couple-type” things together. Excursions to the bathhouse, Korean bbq, movies, whatever. But it never felt right; I prayed to G-d to send me another good D so I could please move on. And you know the old saying, “Be careful what you wish for?” That cliché could not have rung any more true for me in this case. I went from Good D to Mind-Blowing Sociopath D. Which took another few years to finally shake.

After what felt like an eternity of being in the Cold War with Good D, I threw my hands up and surrendered. Only once I did this I realized I hadn’t been at war with anyone but myself. I went dry of any contact with men for a substantial amount of time. I will just say it was a lot more time being alone than I’m used to.

This wasn’t even a conscious decision, but the Universe working ever so divinely, giving me (or more like withholding) exactly what I needed. This blissfully lonely time was more productive, more comfortable and a lot less lonely than those plentiful years I had spent caught up with the wrong Good D.

A shift occurred within me. I learned a true freedom that every woman should experience. I couldn’t believe how much space there was in my life for me to do things that I actually wanted to do. Creativity and ideas hit me hard and quick like waves crashing. I was filled with satisfaction and a sense of well-being, whereas before, I had been filled up with Good D and emptiness. I realized I had been such a prisoner of the Good D that I had put up with bullshit I would have never dealt with otherwise. I reflected on the years I spent locked up and couldn’t help but feel regret, an emotion I am not used to. I vigilantly vowed to myself to not get lost in the sauce. Ever. Again.

I am still living in my new space of freedom, but it’s gotten a little smaller since having added a man (or men) back into the mix. The passion and chaos in the relationships I once craved for are now something I have lost all desire for. I’m enjoying the company of men, but in such a less entangled way. I might even be more capable of meeting someone that can make me happy now more than ever. But right now, I’m so into where I’m at. Why fuck it up?

I finally know the meaning of true sexual liberation. It’s the paradox of giving something up to receive it. During a recent visit to my shrink’s office, she pointed out to me that if I know I’m going to get attached to good dick, then maybe I should find some good dick that’s worth getting attached to. Like, maybe a nice guy with good dick. My reply to her? “But nice guys can’t fuck.”

Hair and Makeup: Jennifer Brent Stylist: Dani Concepcion 

This story appears in Mass Appeal Issue 53. Read more stories from the issue here.

Leah McSweeney Mass Appeal Issue 53

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  • mrmag83

    f*cking the wrong nice guys. but, good a*s piece. kudos.

  • DT

    It’s sad that not all women will get to experience this, and vice versa for men.

  • NiceGuyGoneCad

    THIS >>>>>> “But nice guys can’t fuck.”

    So, until you get sex this is what you do…

    -No compliments on how good she looks.
    -Ni dinners, no flowers, no gifts.

    -No spending more than 40$ on a date, 0$ is optimum.

    -If you don’t get laid in 3 dates, you’re out.

    Chivalry is dead, being a selfish jerk is what will get you laid. End of story.

  • DT

    I’d appreciate a response from the author on this one.

  • Alan Mark

    Looking at her in Google, she’s already close to over-the-hill.

    Another few years, she’ll be complaining that “there’s no good men left!”

  • MrNiceGuy

    How about focusing on the person, the man first, and if he’s a nice guy who can’t fuck. Teach him. Nice guys are happy to learn. 🙂

  • morganburke

    let me counsel you to not look to women for teaching on that. you are invisible to them until you take control yourself. it’s a sad paradox that only tired women really tolerate nice guys, and the bad boys are what make the women tired generally.

    there is no shortage of information out there, you can either lose years as a nice guy waiting and wondering and then meeting a woman on the other end of her attractive years, or you can get after it now. up to you.

  • NiceGuyGoneCad

    Same here. I doubt we’ll get it though.

  • NiceGuyGoneCad

    If you keep having this attitude women will eat you alive dude.

  • morganburke

    not that it wouldn’t be interesting, but the secret’s out, whether she’d admit it openly or not. she’s still thinking about her bad boys even though she’s turned over a new leaf in her mind. and the sex hasn’t improved, as she mentioned to her shrink. so she’s less sexually lively now, more jaded, thinking about past loves, and guaranteed to be less laughs. woe to the man that picks her up at this point.

  • wouldacouldashoulda

    you’re right about girls wanting bad boys but some of us don’t want to pump and dump them all anymore. we want to meet someone an settle down. i don’t feel sorry for her, i’m sure there are nice guys she could date instead. but you have to admit, some guys take it too far or play game on a nice girl that doesn’t need it. straight alpha/bad boy game works for the short term, for getting the girl in your bed. but anything lasting long term you’ve gotta dial down the bad boy or you’ll destroy a nice girl. i’ve been there done that. my ex is as jaded as they come now and that’s my fault mostly. still burned from my ex and i played her good. wish i could go back and fix that mess. she was a keeper. too late. now i’m trying to figure out how to not be that guy without getting screwed myself. tough finding the right balance.

  • morganburke

    hey man, i agree with you completely. and i would say _most_ of us don’t want to pump and dump. i always just wanted the one, and i doubt anyone could lay claim to being a nicer boyfriend. but about a decade of not understanding why girls cheat wore me to the bone and i went the other direction. i just can’t afford to care that much anymore, i understand women enough to have them in my life and i know better than to trust them. so i am not advocating some kind of xanadu, but just being in control of outcomes instead of tied to the railroad tracks.

    actual nice girls can be found, and i do try. but the vast majority of women ‘become’ nice once they see the end of their attractive years sneaking up on them in the mirror. so you get less attractive women, with a dose of their anger at the unfairness of life and having to ‘settle’, combined with their yearning for the more exciting past loves. it ain’t optimal.

    i’m not completely callous, i did decline to deflower a girl that i knew wasn’t a long-term prospect. she should be long-term, for someone (of course she was willing for me because i was an ass to her).

    blah 🙂

  • wouldacouldashoulda

    i made an earlier comment about finding the right balance with women and i think you’re onto something here. i guess if you want something to last long term, you’ve got to be bad enough often enough to tire them out a bit but not so much that they get insecure and jaded. then if they’re just a little bit tired all the time, we can actually relax and be our nice guy selves once awhile. not sure how to make that work yet but, it seems good in theory.

  • wouldacouldashoulda

    i hear you man. blah is right 🙂 out of curiosity, what made her long term for someone else, not for you? is she still available? 😉

  • Devin P-B

    Hey Guys,

    We appreciate the discussion. We’re reaching out to Leah to answer some of your questions.

    -Devin P-B

  • wouldacouldashoulda

    sorry man, went too far. nobody wants to share their girls. not even the ones they don’t want 🙂

    i am still curious to know why you thought she wasn’t a long term prospect for you. i know it’s different for everyone but i’m no good at the screening process. i still keep falling for girls without long term potential and i don’t even know it until it’s too late. how’d you know with this one?

  • Pren

    You are going to end up lonely, you sad superficial proto-psychopath.

  • Dreamykeemie

    The male version of this is called being pussy whipped and it happens to the baddest of the bad boys at least once

  • 1017

    i guess my finesse game stupid hard. deese hoes love my dirty draws…

  • 1017

    *translation* By the looks of this thread my situation looks very promising. Basing my analysis off the fact that my women not only love me but vocally display want to wash my laundry as my housewife.

  • Lawrence

    we exist! you can be dominant and virtuous. They say that the happiest people live to serve well.. its doubly true for lovers. There is a spectrum between nice malleable guy and based asshole guy, you arent just one or the other, and every guy has that animal fuck instinct potential buried in there somewhere. for those golden mean dudes, its about having the courage to shine nd truly show up