Storm the Yard! Joan Rivers called Kimye’s baby North West ugly! And while we wait for Kanye West to shred Joan Rivers like she’s a Thanksgiving turkey, let us ponder Rivers’ latest inter-celebrity beef.
One could argue that taking a swipe at a six month old is a low blow, even from a troll queen like Rivers. But isn’t that what angry old ladies do? Old ladies are angry about a lot of things . . . you know, the weather, the government, the saggy pants youths of today. But their primary bone of contention with the younger generation is not the kids themselves but rather what they represent. That by-gone beauty of yester-decade.
Am I saying Joan Rivers is jealous of a baby? Most probably. (Well, that’s what Kim is going to tell the kid when she comes home from the playground crying, because another kid has scarred her with imagery of her mom’s sex tape. “Nori baby, they’re just jealous that mommy got famous and made lots of money.”) Rivers herself has been trying to preserve her mortal vessel, which now resembles a reptilian shell, for a few millenia. Every morning she wakes up and stares at a face she can no longer recognize. So when a picture of baby West pops up on her radar, her insides burn with rage. “Damn you, North West!” “Damn your cherub cheeks and your pouty little lips!” “Damn your soft flawless skin!” You see North West epitomizes Rivers’ lost virility. This teeny human is the exact opposite of Rivers sagging facade, she is quite frankly a newborn.
Rivers pounced on the youngster’s abundance of hair, claiming the not-yet toddler is “desperately in need of a wax.” Using the same parameters that Joan Rivers is jealous of new born babies, we can stipulate that without the 24 hours of hair and make up provided by E! Joan Rivers looks something this.
Well, maybe not. Maybe Joan Rivers is just an old lady who has nothing better to do than shit on everything, including babies all day. Maybe that’s just what old people do? “Did she go too far this time?” one media organization questioned with anxious (in)sincerity.
Em, probably not. We’re going to surmise that this won’t be the first time little Nori will have to face the online gauntlet of abuse. With a compass orientation for a name and parents who do this type of shit on the regular, this poor kid is going to have to prepare for a tumultuous adolescence. You can fix ugly (Kim herself can tell you that) but stupid names and naked parents are low hanging fruit on the tree of bullying – just ask my friend, Dick Cummings and his stripper mom.
But I digress. Rivers and I should probably watch our mouths, least Kanye decide to turn the crazy on full and go after both our asses – seriously.