Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,
I’m just noticing that the word “pal” is wound up in your name. I think that is nice!
We’ve never met, but I feel like I know you from your work as a thespian.
I’ve also noticed that you like to sing country songs, and yes, blacks enjoy country music, too. Blacks actually had a heavy hand in the formation of the sound. Yeah, I know, I know, blacks are forgetful sometimes. I think we sometimes have cultural A.D.D. or maybe we’re just really prolific and constantly coming up with new stuff! Pretty rad, right?
Anyway, blacks are so creative that they found a way to “remix” the meaning of a really hateful word created by your fellow Caucasians. It’s a really complicated re-mix and admittedly, not all blacks are feeling said re-mix. Kanye West is a complicated man, therefore he is a complex artist (and they really do love him at Complex magazine because he embodies the best that fashion and art and language has to offer). Clearly you are a fan of a song he wrote with your pal Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter—you know, the “Niggas In Paris” one.
I mean, what was Ye and Jigga thinking!? OF COURSE Caucasians were gonna say the name of the song! Jeez! OF COURSE!!! And there are plenty of white folks who like you, enjoy the tune. The problem is, those white folks aren’t like you because they probably live in trailer parks or have to work two jobs because the assembly lines have made way for welfare and unemployment lines. So there you are, the Queen of the West Village, with your Kingly and gifted British husband, dropping science like “Niggas in Paris…for REAL.”The next thing you know, there are high ranking black intellectuals with knockout television looks and gurus like Russell Simmons having your back like stolen Africans in a lost scene from Nicole Kidman’s Cold Mountain.
I know, I know, you’re old time homies with the Mya that matters—Mya Rudolph. And you and Beyoncé are mighty tighty. Like CRAZY tight. Big ‘em up props to you for that. And yo, seriously, how you and your girls rap behind the scenes really ain’t nobody’s business. Y’all can sip tea and scream “Niggas in Planters Peanuts Jars” all day if y’all want. But straight up: keep that lingo amongst y’all. Not really a classy look for you, ma. And on Twitter. REALLY? Aaron Spelling would be PISSED if he was still around to witness this.
Cheerio and Tally Ho!