WARNING: If you like to keep your private life private, don’t date a basic bitch. Nothing makes a basic happier than couples photos. You will be exploited. Also, you can be guaranteed a very public break up.
Weekend: A basic bitch plans her weekend from start to finish so don’t expect anything spontaneous or outdoorsy (see: sports) from this one. Most likely this consists of a morning work out class, brunching, and then hitting the club. It’s by the numbers cause it’s easy. Routine, routine, routine. Must not diverge.
Basics and Intimacy
In bed: You will never find a basic bitch on top. . . ever. A basic is inclined to think she’s amazing at giving head (we’ve never gotten head from a basic bitch so we don’t know). And lastly, a basic bitch doesn’t care if she cums as long as you finish.
Ideal boyfriend: Money is number one for a basic bitch, with looks a close second. A basic bitch doesn’t care if her boyfriend is smart, as long as she has a boyfriend. And as long as he’s buying her pumpkin spice lattes. And as long as she can talk on the treadmill about her boyfriend who buys her pumpkin spice lattes, she’s a happy camper. Well, she doesn’t camp so she’s a happy clubber.
Worst Nightmare: Hipsters, start-up types, creatives; basic bitches need security. They don’t like spontaneity. They like muscles, and predictability.
Friendship: A basic would hate to think that anyone thought negatively of her. Ironically, she talks trash about everyone, including her best friend. A basic bitch is not to be trusted with secrets – another reason why she is basic.
Dating: A basic will accept a date just for the free meal, and will text someone she doesn’t like just for a confidence boost. It’s hard to tell if a basic really likes you. Or the idea of you. Or the idea of your money. Basics play games, but basic games; easily identifiable.
Eating and General Knowledge
Food: A basic bitch loves salads because she wants to be skinny. But she also loves ranch dressing on her salads, which does not make her skinny. (Undetected irony is key to basic-dom.) This is a frustrating and repetitive cycle for a basic bitch. She loves cleanses but doesn’t understand them. She also enjoy smoothies, frozen yogurt, and diet coke. And is very jealous of her skinny bad bitch friends. You probably know that last one, though.