Guys, we’re afraid it’s inevitable that most girls can reveal some basic qualities from time to time. However, there’s a difference between liking the occasional top 40 track and being down right basic to the bone. We know it’s hard to tell the difference.
“You can smell a basic bitch from a mile away. You can smell that bitch’s perfume. A basic bitch is just someone who likes what’s typical to like. The radio puts stuff on the radio that they think is typical and you should like it, and that’s something a basic bitch would like. She likes those normal brands and wears them all the time because that’s some basic shit.” – Kreayshawn on Basic Bitches.
Don’t fret, the ladies here at Mass Appeal have your back. Here is our unofficial guide to knowing you’re dating a basic bitch:
Fashion: A basic bitch takes no fashion risks but she likes to wear heels during the day. She wears spandex at the club and she likes silver jewelry and pink – the Victoria’s Secret brand and the color – to OD levels. She’s the cover girl Everybody Wears This Shit magazine.
Shopping: Do you love shopping? Well if you do, you’re in for a treat, because a basic bitch absolutely LOVES a good sale. You can enjoy hours together traipsing through racks of clothes, answering “Does this make me look fat?” over and over and over again. By the way, the correct answer is always ‘no, never, what?’ Always. Don’t listen to that voice in your head. Suppress it. Suppress!!
Hygiene: No she didn’t vomit in her sleep. That brown stain on your pillow is just residue from the full face of makeup she reapplied before getting into bed with you. NOTHING scares a basic bitch more than the idea of you seeing her true face – expect maybe, cellulite or being on top. She wears make up for make up sex. Think about that.
Grooming: It can be a scary experience kissing a basic bitch for the first time. Don’t get us wrong she can kiss, but if your hand moves to play with her long luscious locks don’t be alarmed by what follows. The clumps of matted hair are just where she attached her extensions. This looks like a small “Cousin It” if you see it on her floor. And no, she doesn’t have leprosy, she’s just had too many vodka cranberries and that’s why her fake spider eyelashes are hanging off her face.
Likes: Basic bitch hobbies may include but are not limited to: making you feel bad for spending time with your friends, waking up early and taking it out on you later, and getting into her favorite work-out class, like soulcycle, exhale, core fusion, hot yoga (OMG HOT YOGA). She tweets her daily horoscope and posts at least three #selfies a week. She plans her weekend and corresponding outfits in advance. Settle down young basic one. Take one to ten steps back.
Sports: Are you an outdoorsy guy? Then forget dating a basic bitch because she doesn’t camp, she doesn’t hike and she does not ‘do’ team sports. For a basic bitch, it’s all about the gym. And by about the gym, we mean talking about the gym more than attending. And by taking about we mean complaining about.
Music: A basic bitch has limited music knowledge other than what they hear on the radio or pick up from their bad bitch friends. Even then, it’s a good two months too late. A basic bitch listens to Top 40 hits: “Teenage Dream,” “Diamonds,” “Without You.” This is the soundtrack to your basic life. Scream it with your strained vocal chords.
Often heard saying: “I love pumpkin spice lattes,” “I need a puppy,” “I never do this,” “I feel fat,” “so cute,” “ugh,” “I need a gay best friend.”
Frequently found: At Starbucks, on the elliptical, drinking Starbucks on the elliptical, talking on her cell phone about drinking lattes while on the elliptical.
TV shows: “2 Broke Girls,” “Revenge,” “Pretty Little Liars” and “Grey’s Anatomy.” You are required to watch these shows with her, even when the Knicks are on. Don’t you see her pulling you down into her pool of basic?
Movies: “Mean Girls,” “Titanic,” and anything with Jennifer Aniston (“she’s a survivor”). They love a good RomCom (let’s be real, they love bad ones too). Nothing weird, cerebral, or scary. That would require stepping outside of the basic bounds, and this, she does not do.
Instagram: #selfies. To the point that it’s the only thing she posts. The occasional selfie ain’t bad, but she’s got that just-chillin-but-seriously-check-out-this-new-flower-headband picture for every day of the week. We get it, we get it.
Facebook: A basic bitch likes to over share with everyone. Examples include, “ugh, feeling gross today,” “depressed,” “That amazing feeling when you get home and take off your bra,” and “My yoga pants are so comfortable,” – a basic likes to talk about yoga pants, because yoga pants are hot, and she wants you to think she’s hot. And you know those countdowns on Facebook because someone’s friend is coming to visit them? Yeah, a basic bitch made those.
Twitter: The key function of Twitter is to document her social and personal life, “Ugh, I hate the bitch that just spilled on me #Marquee,” “My dog died RIP Rusty.” It is also for inspirational quotes, “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” The irony, of course, is that what she says is so basic it doesn’t need to be said.
WARNING: If you like to keep your private life private, don’t date a basic bitch. Nothing makes a basic happier than couples photos. You will be exploited. Also, you can be guaranteed a very public break up.
Weekend: A basic bitch plans her weekend from start to finish so don’t expect anything spontaneous or outdoorsy (see: sports) from this one. Most likely this consists of a morning work out class, brunching, and then hitting the club. It’s by the numbers cause it’s easy. Routine, routine, routine. Must not diverge.
Basics and Intimacy
In bed: You will never find a basic bitch on top. . . ever. A basic is inclined to think she’s amazing at giving head (we’ve never gotten head from a basic bitch so we don’t know). And lastly, a basic bitch doesn’t care if she cums as long as you finish.
Ideal boyfriend: Money is number one for a basic bitch, with looks a close second. A basic bitch doesn’t care if her boyfriend is smart, as long as she has a boyfriend. And as long as he’s buying her pumpkin spice lattes. And as long as she can talk on the treadmill about her boyfriend who buys her pumpkin spice lattes, she’s a happy camper. Well, she doesn’t camp so she’s a happy clubber.
Worst Nightmare: Hipsters, start-up types, creatives; basic bitches need security. They don’t like spontaneity. They like muscles, and predictability.
Friendship: A basic would hate to think that anyone thought negatively of her. Ironically, she talks trash about everyone, including her best friend. A basic bitch is not to be trusted with secrets – another reason why she is basic.
Dating: A basic will accept a date just for the free meal, and will text someone she doesn’t like just for a confidence boost. It’s hard to tell if a basic really likes you. Or the idea of you. Or the idea of your money. Basics play games, but basic games; easily identifiable.
Eating and General Knowledge
Food: A basic bitch loves salads because she wants to be skinny. But she also loves ranch dressing on her salads, which does not make her skinny. (Undetected irony is key to basic-dom.) This is a frustrating and repetitive cycle for a basic bitch. She loves cleanses but doesn’t understand them. She also enjoy smoothies, frozen yogurt, and diet coke. And is very jealous of her skinny bad bitch friends. You probably know that last one, though.