As another year comes to a close, the list of albums that defined 2013 is more varied than ever. With major releases from pop stars like Miley Cyrus and Lorde to hip hop heavyweights Jay-Z, Kanye West and Drake all dropping new albums, there are plenty of choices when it comes to a favorite. But what does that say about you? Mass Appeal plays psychiatrist and gives you an analysis of what your favorite album of 2013 says about your plans for New Year’s Eve 2014. Happy New Year!
Jay-Z – Magna Carta Holy Grail
At a club with bottle service that cost $500 a person. You don’t feel like you can connect with any of these people. Where the fuck is our hostess? You think you see Tom Ford but get depressed when you realize it’s just a hot guy with too much bronzer on. Your toenail clippers cost more than these bitches Marc Jacobs handbags. #newrules/fml
Earl Sweatshirt – Doris
Fuck NYE. You and a few close homies decide to do mushrooms at your apartment. You don’t remember the next 12 hours but you woke up in your bed with socks on your hands, hugging a Justin Bieber poster you definitely don’t own. Your house is trashed and your phone is blowing up in response to the aggressively incoherent rants you texted last night.
Disclosure – Settle
It’s not that you didn’t want to go out, it’s just that it’s such an amateur night. But you go out anyways; it’d be really awkward if you stayed home and listened to the entire Disclosure album on Spotify alone… sober. You opt for a house party with DJs you know will play “the jams.” Two drinks in, all you want to do is dance. It’s fine, so does everyone else.
2 Chainz – B.O.A.T.S II: Me Time
This shit was expensive, the drink line is long and everything is a remix. Still love you 2 Chainz even though this party is overrated.
Miley Cyrus – Bangerz
As much as you love your gold Adidas sweatsuit, matching grill and red lipstick the reality is you’re white and at a house party in the suburbs that’s down the street from your parents house, a Chili’s and a CVS. You lose the twerking contest to the party host’s neighbor in the knee length pencil skirt from Banana Republic. Tears.
A$AP Rocky – Long. Live. A$AP
You don’t give a fuck where you go that night, all you care about is getting fucked up with your friends. But can we please take a cab? Anything is better than that 1 train… (You statistically end up having the best NYE of all, even though most people think that shit was overrated).
Chance The Rapper – Acid Rap
GRADUATED!!!!!!!!!! (Let’s blaze)
Migos – YRN
No one in your group actually talks to each other. Everyone speaks solely in YRN lyrics and shouts “Versace Versace Versace Versace” before pouring champagne on the random bitch next to them during the midnight toast. Everyone in your group goes home alone. No one gets laid.
Lorde – Pure Heroin
No one at the party is over 23. You just saw your ex. Why is life so hard? Can you get us drugs?
Drake – Nothing Was The Same
It’s been a melancholy year for you. This fall you found yourself digging up old feelings and over-expressing emotions that you laid to rest years ago. Maybe it’s because you’re getting older and you’re still single, maybe it’s because that last break-up really stung, whatever it is, nothing feels the same. So this NYE you decide to change it up. You rent a killer hotel suite and invite the entire city to help to ring in the NYE with endless champagne and top shelf liquor. Only three friends you didn’t really care about seeing show up. You kick everyone out by 1 a.m.
Tyler The Creator – Wolf
Why are we in the woods? And how is it January 3rd? Help.
James Blake – Overgrown
Honestly, just trying to fuck. But you know, I’m not trying to make it that obvious. I think I’ll just chill out at the end of the table at this NYE dinner party I somehow got invited to. Then when someone asks if I want to smoke I’ll get high enough that I don’t feel awkward leaning in to kiss the cute blonde girl sitting next to me. Who wants to talk about Dubstep?
Daft Punk – Random Access Memories
Seriously. Too old for this shit. (You stayed in).
Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City
This party is going to be awesome! 1,000+ people on two dance floors, on three different levels AND open bar??? How was this only $300? Is it lame if we all color coordinate? Drunken bathroom makeouts ensue. Blackouts also ensue. Someone’s iPhone 5S gets stolen. Too drunk to wear my heels anymore…
Ty Dolla Sign – Beach House 2
Too much molly too early. You don’t end up making it to the club… but still haven’t slept. This song is so fucking good.
Kanye West – Yeezus
This was the most generic NYE you’ve ever had. Maybe NYE just isn’t that good? Whatever, tomorrow is a new year.
@itsadredogg is working on NYE but will try to meet you later if you’re sober enough to respond to her texts.