It’s a relatively slow news day—since Meek Mill and Drake are over here swinging at each other with Sock’em Boppers—so it seems like a perfect time to address this lion fuckery.
For those of you fortunate enough to have avoided this story, let me ruin your day by getting you up to speed: An American dentist went on a hunting trip in Africa, he allegedly paid $50,000 to shoot a lion, he shot a lion, now Zimbabwe officials are asking the United States to extradite him. There are a bunch of other details, but the main point is that dude shot a lion and people are fucking pissed—shit is national news. Meanwhile, at least six minority women died in jail this month and unarmed civilians are getting shot in the head by campus patrol officers during routine traffic stops. But that’s none of my business.
Should dudes be flying to Africa to shoot lions? No. So let’s let the people who were in charge of looking after said animal to deal with the dentist as they see fit, as long as it’s just.
That being said, there’s a valuable lesson to be learned here: When lions get shot by dentists it’s a big fucking deal. The type of big fucking deal where one country asks another country to extradite the lion killer. Humans are animals too, and certainly have a more distinguishable sense of morality when it comes to murder. However, it seems that we haven’t worked out the whole “justifiable killing” thing yet. So, in the meantime, I’m proposing for all potential victims of unjustifiable killings to start dressing like lions.
If you need some examples of how to dress like a lion, look to Ted Ross in The Wiz or Bert Lahr in The Wizard of Oz. If Pinterest is your typa thing, check out this board. If you’re one of those people that’s not into arts and crafts, you can take the easy route and cop a Lion King-inspired outfit online.
Whichever method you choose to put together your lion ‘fit is going to cost you a little bit of money, and you’re going to look like a huge idiot. But, the peace of mind that comes with knowing justice will be served if you’re murdered: Priceless.