Dear Drake and Chris Brown
Rihanna is a beautiful young lady with really provocative tunes. If her real life matches up with the sultry words she floats over beats, I understand why y’all might go beast and lash out on one another on some ‘ol black-on-black crime type shit (hey: aren’t you guys too rich for black on black crime?).
But Drake: the streets are saying that you got the best of Chris Brown last night. Up in the club. Club W.I.Ps. I have to admit that I find this outcome rather shocking, like Peter Gabriel “Shock The Monkey” shocking. Yo, son, Breezy seems mad diesel and mad not in control of his emotions. You, Drake, you seem so calm and mellow and smooth like pancake syrup dripping onto a thong. I never would have expected you to raise up like that. I think people assumed you were soft because you were from Canada, but I think you just put Canada on the map as far as Thug Life goes.
No disrespect to Canada, by the way. Y’all got Maestro Fresh Wes, Rush and Neil Young. And Toronto has some of the most beautiful women on the planet. Drake—being the man in Toronto must be breathtaking. Still, you want to snuggle with Rhianna (and more). Drake, I will admit that I’m old and not really in the mix of your music—at least not consciously. I like Rakim because his voice is like a trusted uncle, someone who you would die for. Someone with authority and knowledge, wisdom and understanding. I can’t really learn much from you, Drake. I think what you rapsing about is probably really cool, but your delivery is really for the ladies, in my opinion. The ladies love you and you could have your pick the world over, but instead you want that one girl who can make you feel like a straight A student. Rihanna must be one special lady. She sure is pretty.
As for you Chris Brown, I feel like you have an issue with saying I’m sorry and owning up to your mistakes. A word you might look up in the dictionary is remorse. Look, I was your age once, and love and passion can rush over you like a Rush Card at a dollar store. I feel that, homeboy. I’m hip. I get it. I can feel that, feel where you’re coming from. I gotta keep it 100 with you, though: my passion would never lead me to scratch and bite a bitch like a Puerto Rican-owned pitbull in heat (in the old Bronx).
Beating and biting a woman (without consent) is never OK, buddy. There is so much you could have done to make things better. You could have done a national campaign that educated folks about a treatable disease called domestic abuse, but you didn’t. You chose to throw chairs out of windows like some kind of savage. In front of millions of white people, but more importantly, in front of millions of black people. Another word you should look up is embarrassing.
And now, Chris Brown, harmless little ‘old Drake from Canada is snuffing you and running your proverbial jewels. I can say that I’m surprised, but I can’t say I feel sorry for you. Drake, my man: although your music isn’t for me I believe you have heart and passion and you’re apparently nice with your hands. I don’t have beef with you. I am happy for your success. You work hard and deserve what you’ve got and I believe that, if you made some real dumbass mistake like biting a bitch like a Puerto Rican-owned pitbull in heat, you’d probably say I’m sorry and try to make things right (although that whole rollin’ up on the tattoo artist who tatted your name on some crazy chick’s forehead thing was mad nervous, son).
Rihanna—you’re not innocent here. Your beauty is driving these lightskinded ninjas CRAZY! You need to figure out how you’re gonna roll. If you’re gonna roll with a dude who likes to bite and scratch you like a Puerto Rican-owned pitbull in heat, so be it. Own it. Doesn’t necessarily send the best message to young women and girls, but hey, YOLO! I will say that Drake seems like a stand up dude, and a Queen of your stature needs a brother who is nice with his hands who can hold you down like Ice T holds down Coco. I know women like to feel safe on some animal instincts type stuff, and if Chris Brown continues his wilding spree that wildlife will put his heifer-ass out to pasture.
Hey Drake: YOLO. YOU, my friend, are about that life.
What if Biz punched MC Shan behind having feelings for Roxanne Shante?
Nah. Hip hop was too real back n tha days. Shan woulda just stepped aside.
Wait: it turns out that Chris Browm got buss in the head with a bottle–which seems closer to what I’d expect from Drake. Regardless, Drake has my respect. Really bold of you to pop and throw bottles, my G. That’s how Evelyn from Basketball Wives gets down (watch out now Ocho Cinco). Here’s what Brown had to say about the incident on Twitter:
“How u party wit a rich nigga that hate? Lol….Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya! Niggas is pussy. Bottles? It’s nothing! Lol And I’m the singer? Niggas hiding in the bathroom bitch ass niggas! Ok! Niggas stand behind security!!!! Ok! U don’t pay them enough! Niggas throwing bottles! Y’all niggaz weak!”
Chris Brown, you sound like a highschooler who happens to be in a special class. Were you in a special class back in highschool, Chris Brown? No judgments, though. Some of us need additional help and many of us rise up out of the special classes. “LOL And I’m the singer?” LOL.
Where is Ralph Tresvant when you need him?