I’m in no position to tell you whether Len Wiseman’s new take on the sci-fi hit Total Recall is better than Paul Verhoeven’s original. Blame my squeamish adolescent tendencies, but I never saw the first. Not even the promise of peeping not one, not two, but three boobies was enough to make me brave all the other details I had heard I’d have to stomach in Arnold’s identity adventure. But I’m a grown man now, and the modern world has made my intestinal fortitude iron-clad. So when my friends at Chrysler asked if I’d like to view their take on the future of automobiles, I was all up for making new memories.
For starts, let me hit you with not a spoiler alert, but a warning. If Yeezy’s “All of the Lights” video bugged out your senses, you’re probably going to have a seizure in the film’s first few minutes. Putting your wallet in your mouth and powering through will land you in another creative take on post-apocalyptic Earth; one where Britain remains the only inhabitable area, save for Australia, an area full of lower-class citizens referred to by the Brits simply as ‘The Colony’. In other words, not much has changed.
It’s not until mid-film that you’re fully introduced to the modern world’s transportation system. Now here’s the spoiler, but it’s good news – our flying cars are finally on the horizon! Bad news? The brolic, futuristic floaters – Dodges for the Jakes and Chryslers for civilians – are still regulated by a highway system of lanes and laws. Nah, you can’t just go shooting off anywhere – not that you’d really want to, but still – will it ever get done right? As for the more terrestrial (or perhaps 99 percenters), the ground system appears to be dominated by Fiats, as the lowest of the low take ‘The Fall’ – the future’s version of the P-POD aka Poor People On Display, aka the bus. Yeah, maybe it’s a little odd that Chrysler runs the show when the US is nothing but a barren wasteland – ‘Imported from the No Zone’? But now I’m analyzing too much.
What else can I disclose without rendering your pre-purchased ticket obsolete? Colin Farrell – despite his off-screen image – is actually quite likable as the hero Doug Quaid/Agent Hauser, and Jessica Biel’s posterior looks amazing in paratrooper pants. On a side note, it appears that our boy Ralphie could be the official clothier of the new world order – though it’s probably all made in The Colony. And yes, since I know the inner-teenager in all of y’all is dying to know, let me end on this; Thank you, Chrysler – thank you for making me wish I had three hands.